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The Battle Begins

from OH BOY! by Mitchell Bergeron

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lyrics

The Battle Begins. OH BOY! Pulled the drum kit, bass, and guitar off of his belt. They each became immense and set themselves up in front of him. OH BOY! Wasn’t the best guitarist or bassist but he thought he was hot shit at drums. He laid down a beat and layered bass and guitar over it. “This should be funky enough” he thought. The sounds flung forward, blasting The Monster through a building. Beams of light blowing all over. “Is that it?” OH BOY! Wondered.

With a swathing distorted solo, The Monster blew OH BOY! Away. He felt his wounds from yesterday opening up. His blood soaked the ground. OH BOY! Unleashed another funky assault. It fought away the metal riffs for a moment but then came another distorted attack.

OH BOY! Dodged the main blow and found himself trying to flank The Monster. OH BOY! Attacked with all his guitar, bass, and drum skills but The Monster was able to go blow for blow and worse, The Monster could really solo. OH BOY! Pulled out his keyboard and played a chord progression. The Keyboard turned into a giant robot with OH BOY! As the pilot. The words “OH BOT!” were painted across the chest of the mechanical hulk.

The Monster laughed. He turned up the volume on his guitar and played it with his teeth. He grew with each note he struck eventually he was the same size as the OH BOT!

They struck at each other in massive, slow-motion attacks. The size of each attack was shown in the lumbering wind up each had to take to use said attack. The Monster bit into OH BOT!’s arm. He tore through the armor and wiring, severing the arm. OH BOY! Swung the other arm just in time to connect a strong punch. The resounding thunder of the attack shattered several skyscraper’s windows.

The Monster shrank back to its normal size. OH BOY! Had the upper hand! Or so he thought. Unfortunately, the OH BOT! Was immobile. One of its arms was severed the other’s fist was smashed in from the attack. He decided to retract the synth behemoth.

On the ground OH BOY! And The Monster’s fight resumed!

They danced back and forth, a sonic ballet of harmonious and distorted tones. The thumping beats of each drum set driving the dance onward with the help of the baselines.

BUT GASP! In a duel of solos, OH BOY! Could not win.

The Monster possessed the fuzz of a thousand pedals, long thought lost in the sixties. He was able to slice through the mix with the purest of pure fuzz, giving his tone the girth and presence of several stadiums. The onslaught struck OH BOY! With full force. He was bashed and smacked across the city like a rag doll. He was a worn-out punching bag. He was dying. The few remaining civilians couldn’t believe it. He was getting beaten by The Monster.

The Monster waltzed over to OH BOY! As he tried to get off the ground and kicked him down with its reptilian leg. It smashed Its foot down on OH BOY! And unleashed a soul-mutilating solo from point blank range!

OH NO OH BOY! PLEASE DON’T DIE!

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from OH BOY!, released April 28, 2017

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Mitchell Bergeron Burlington, Vermont

If you are into weirdos you are in the right place.

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